A break through

About two weeks ago, I was able to snag a wonderful long weekend off from work. I was so burnt out (really, I still am, but I’m working on it), and I needed to have a chunk of continuous days off to just exist without having a million questions lobbed at me. I was started to rage at the most inconsequential things at work and rant angrily to my boss about them.

It was not a good look for me.

I made a list of things I wanted to accomplish that weekend (grocery shopping, stopping at Target, some craft projects), and I forced myself to remember that it was okay if I didn’t get everything completed. One of the things I got to do was put together two journals. I’d call them bullet journals, but to be honest, mine do not look anywhere near as beautiful as many of the ones I’ve seen online. In the main one, I put a habit tracker, a list of projects I wanted to complete by the end of the year, a list of accomplishments, goals, and things I want to learn in the coming months. In the smaller one, I’ve labeled that as a positive space, where I just try to keep things more upbeat.

I struggle a lot with low self-esteem and low level depression, and after having a major meltdown to my roommate (when I was incredibly fried), I started researching cognitive behavioral therapy for low self esteem. I don’t have the money for a therapist or the type of schedule that is conducive to seeing one right now, so I made a deal with myself that I’d try some of the things I saw online and take it from there. Since it’s sometimes hard for me to believe that anyone could ever like me ever ever ever, I’ve decided to actually write down when someone compliments me. (Honest compliments, not creepy or otherwise disingenuous ones.) I write them down no matter how minuscule they might seem. Same goes for accomplishments or just things that make me happy. I figured this was just some trendy new way for me to waste my time until it was no longer fashionable, at which point I’d abandon it.

And then something happened: it started to actually improve my mood and sense of self worth.

Just having spaces where I force myself to check any negativity and reminding myself that messing up doesn’t mean I am a terrible excuse for a human being is actually working. In two weeks time, I’m starting to feel the fog lift. I’m starting to feel like I can make everything happen again. I’m feeling hopeful and optimistic for the first time in a long time, and I’m not used to it anymore.

It’s pretty fucking amazing.

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